The prompt for today’s Sunday Scribblings is Dear Diary. This is my first Sunday Scribblings. Here goes nothing.
When will I be able to let go of all the feelings associated with infertility? When will I be able to look at a baby or a pregnant woman and not feel a bit of jealousy because Mr. Right and I cannot easily conceive? When will anxiety that I may not be able to get pregnant ever again ease up? When will the clock quit ticking loudly in my head and heart? Will I be able to think about the bills without worrying that we may not be able to afford to try to get pregnant again?
Don’t get me wrong. I am so grateful for BusyBoy and GigglyGirl. I am so grateful that I actually did have the experience of having a life – 2 lives at one time – growing inside of me. Oh, what a wonderful feeling that was. I loved love the way my tummy grew. I love the want I could feel them kicking and moving inside of me. I love that I breastfed both of them until they were a year and a half. I love that I am able to hold them and comfort them when they are sad or scared. I love their kisses and hugs. I love their smiles and giggles and activity around our home.
I hope I will be able to feel life growing inside of me again. I hope that we are able to have more children so that GigglyGirl and BusyBoy have additional siblings. I hope that even if I cannot experience the feeling of pregnancy again, we grow our family in another way.
As difficult as infertility is, there are some powerful life lessons that go along with it. My ability to be patient has grown. It is more than being patient waiting for life to grow inside of me again. I am more patient with our children. I am more patient with Mr. Right when I think he is being a bit wrong. It is realizing that good things do come to those who wait and that life does not always happen according to our carefully planned schedule.
My ability to savor the moment has grown. Accepting that we really may never have more children, makes me appreciate the simple every day moments in life. While BusyBoy and GigglyGirl start back to preschool in a week and summer has been stressful with all the changes with our jobs, I am grateful that we are home with our children. I have not wished the summer would hurry up and end. I am holding on to the moments both exciting and frustrating knowing that one day the children will be in different stages in their lives.
Mr. Right and I have learned that our relationship is important and that we have to make time for each other. It was easy to do this in the 10 ½ years before we were had children in our marriage. We know that the strength of our relationship helped us survive infertility the first time. That relationship will help us face and conquer the challenges of the future. We know we have to make sure we keep our relationship strong so that we can lean on that relationship when things get tough.
Finally, I have learned to trust God more. When things are tough, I know that God can give me strength to make it through the tough times. I lean on His word and the comfort I can glean from relying on His strength.
So, Diary, while I do not know when the struggle with infertility will end, I do know that it has helped me grow as a person. It may very well teach me a few other lessons before all is said and done.